Let’s see if I can get this right.

My great-grandfather was George Aaron Kellogg (I think — I might be missing a great). Although he was unmarried in 1903, the year that The Kelloggs in the Old World and the New was published — a copy of which shares this room with me in Florida — George Aaron would get married and father my grandfather and his brother Martin. (Either that, or father their father). I knew Martin as great Uncle Mart, who showed up for a few holidays in my childhood as a kind of semi-welcome guest — he was estranged from his son, and everyone seemed to side with the son, who I don’t think I’ve ever met. Anyway, Uncle Mart was kind to me, and my grandmother and aunts and uncles remarked upon this kindness, as he was known as kind of a prick, and a misogynist to boot. Either because I was the only one who didn’t judge him, or because I liked art and he painted portraits, he thought I was OK. He sent me art supplies for years.

I didn’t know my grandfather so much. He died when I was two.

But anyway, my grandfather’s father, also great-uncle Mart’s father, George — his dad was Aaron Kellogg. Aaron, born 1795 in Connecticut, was the son of Thomas Wright Kellogg of Vernon Connecticut, born 1770.

Thomas Wright, according to The Kelloggs in the Old World and the New:

Resided on the family homstead in Vernon; held various sworn offices; was Justice of the Peace; when he set off for his bride, he rode one horse and led another on which she returned. The journey of forty miles to Glastonbury was made in a single day.

But we aren’t going down yet. Thomas and his wife (Mary Hubbard, with her own horse) will have to wait for another day.

Thomas’ dad was the Reverend Ebenezer Kellogg, born in Norwalk, Connecticut in 1737. He and his wife Hannah had five surviving children, of which Thomas was the fourth, senior only to sister Eunice, which I imagine was a damnable name even in 1773 when she received it.

Thomas’s eldest brother was named for his daddy, Ebenezer (yeah, not much better than Eunice). Ebenezer Junior, born in 1764, would be my great-great-great-great uncle (I think; add greats as needed).

Ebenezer Jr., as we shall call him, had a pretty good life. He had three wives, one of whom was an Olmsted, a Connecticut Olmsted, just like that Central Park guy (give me enough time, and a couple more genealogy books…). Anyway, I figure that Ebenezer was a pretty happy dude, with or without those two terms he served in the state legislature: his first kid was born when he was 25; his last, when he was 48. That was a pretty good run for the 18th century in New England, and seven of his children lived to adulthood. The one I’m most concerned with is Allyn. Deacon Allyn had two sons, each of whom left a pamphlet in his wake, which lapped up on the shores of this room in Florida.

Allyn Stanley Kellogg, the eldest son of Ebenezer Jr., is commemorated in a historical address to the Church of Christ in Vernon, CT. It is an incredibly boring speech about the formation of the church, people wanting to not have to walk clear across town in the dead of winter. One hundred and eight — a significant bloc at the time — petitioned for a new church closer to home, causing a rift that was also an evolution. Location, location.

More interestingly, Martin (a name that would be passed down, and across), was born in 1828. I have lost track but I believe this Martin Kellogg was a second cousin several times removed. I’m not a descendant of Martin — he and his wife Louisa came close, twice, but neither baby survived. But we have something in common — we both moved from New England to California. Martin trained in seminary and at Yale, and wound up, in 1855, being sent to preside over a church in a place called Grass Valley; California had been a state for just five years. By 1860, Martin was teaching Latin and math at the College of California; it merged with the University of California and he became a professor of Latin and Greek from 1869 to 1894, then served in other positions. For three years beginning in 1890, my several-times-removed-second-cousin Martin was the acting president, then for another six years, was the formally appointed president. So let’s just say that clearly: cousin Martin was the president of the University of California, meaning Berkeley, from 1890-1899.

The pamphlet from his 1903 memorial is beside me now. A Professor Rising found an old essay that Martin had contributed, in his youth, to the Overland Monthly. Martin Kellogg wrote:

In a quiet town in New England is a farm that used to be my earthly paradise. My own father’s place was pleasant in its way, but it called for a little too much work from the time when a boy could ride a horse to plow out corn or follow the hay-cart with a rake. My grandfather’s farm, on the contrary, was a place for infinite leisure and sport. The standing invitation he gave was to ‘come down and do up the mischief.’

My cousin Martin was mischievous! Well, it runs in the family. Later on, a fellow named Columbus Barlett eulogized:

The love of the State for its University, not as an ideal sentiment, but as an appreciation of its power for good, of its ennobling influence upon the lives of the men and women who throng its halls as the creation of good citizens, honors the memory of man far more than graven stone or marble mausoleum. And as one who as been chief worker toward this end, the name of Dr. Martin Kellogg will always be held in grateful and loving memory by every Californian.

And so we remember not-all-that-distant-cousin Martin Kellogg, one of the first presidents of Berkeley. Does nepotism count for anything these days?

I can’t decide which is more offensive about this ad from Craigslist in Los Angeles: that they want to pay book reviewers a whopping $5 per 350-word review (about 12 cents 1.5 cents per word) or that they “only do recommendations, no negative reviews.” 

OnceWritten.com, a website dedicated to promoting the works of new authors is looking for regular, contributing book reviewers for our site. We are passionate about trying to give our readers alternatives to the “best-selling, sounds-the-same-as-the-last-book” authors out there.

Particulars:

We pay $5 per review (which is woefully inadequate, we know, but still better than what most of our competitors are paying) for a 350+ word book review. Because we pay, we do not want material that has already appeared elsewhere, including Amazon.com. We also don’t want a re-hash of the book jacket description, plus a “highly recommend this book.” We expect you to give details about what you really liked about the book.

We only do recommendations, no negative reviews. If a book isn’t worth reviewing, no problem. Don’t lie, just don’t review it. We’re trying to give people an idea of what they SHOULD be reading.

You don’t have to be experienced, but please have a passion for reading and ferreting out exciting new authors.

You can either review books in your own “To Be Read Pile” or we can send you books that authors/publishers have forwarded to us.

To get an idea of what we’re looking for, you can visit the site directly at www.oncewritten.com/BookReviews.htm, to see what our current editorial looks like. To apply, send us ONE previous review (either a real one or a sample) to the craig’s list email address listed above.

· Compensation: $5 per review

What these people want are not book reviews. To “review” is “a: to go over or examine critically or deliberately (reviewed the results of the study) b: to give a critical evaluation of (review a novel)” — that’s how Merriam-Webster puts it, anyway.

we pay more - five bucks!

So this site will pay a reviewer less than 1/4 the cost of a hardcover to review it, with barely enough words to wipe the book’s ass. The reviewer can only write nice things. And then the reviewer is supposed to be grateful for the five bucks, because that’s more than they would get from the site’s “competitors” — which would be who, exactly?

It appears that OnceWritten gets its money by charging authors for placement on their site. By the looks of things, these are aspiring self-published authors trying to get exposure, who’ll cough up $75 for two months of being a “featured author” on the homepage. There is no distinction, on the site, between content and advertising — because it is almost all advertising. Aspiring authors should be highly skeptical of the traffic numbers OnceWritten claims.

Because I can’t let this go (let it go, let it go) I decided to see what the site’s reviews are like. Luckily, the second-most prominent review was of a book that I knew had been widely reviewed elsewhere. (It’s got a cute cover.) Here’s the first paragraph of the OnceWritten review of “Beginner’s Greek” by James Collins, reviewer’s name withheld (by me).

As a frequent traveler, I read the blurb for BEGINNER’s GREEK with interest. Seems that Peter, the lead character, has always fantasized that his dream woman will one day sit in the empty seat beside him on a flight to somewhere. And that’s exactly what happens. However, rather than being the “happily ever after” part of this romantic comedy, that’s the place the story begins. Peter does, in fact meet Holly, the woman of his dreams, on a flight between New York and Los Angeles. They bond over literature and soon both feel their romantic expectations building.

Woah. That’s really awful. That first sentence is so awful that when I try to parse its badness my eyes hurt and my fingers turn away from the keyboard in shame. I have now deleted seven separate rants from this place in this post. I could run a full Seminar in Composition class on that first paragraph alone. Thankfully, I never had to, because my Comp students wrote with more verve and clarity.

By contrast, here’s how the NY Times review begins:

This is a deeply strange book. In fact, it is, to the best of my knowledge, a nonesuch: a 400-plus-page first novel by a 49-year-old American male, dedicated to the highly dubious proposition that such a thing as perfect romantic love is possible in these doomy, gloomy, over-psychologized, terminally ironic, post-humanist, post-postmodern times. Part comedy of manners, part chick lit in male drag, James Collins’s “Beginner’s Greek” is a great big sunny lemon chiffon pie of a novel, set, for good measure and our sociological titillation, among the WASP ruling classes, people who work at white-shoe investment firms and own villas in southwestern France and can instantly tell the difference between fine Bordeaux and plonk.

Wow, now that’s saying something! We’ve got zeitgeist and this book’s place in it, we’ve got wine and love and sociological titillation. Language! Ideas! And positioning – if you find WASPy ruling classes enchanting, you’ll want more; if you don’t, you’ll go to the next book review (it’s possible you’ll finish this review, seething about wine snobs, but you’ll only have yourself to blame — the reviewer warned you).

Entertainment Weekly gives it just a one-paragraph capsule review, and again, manages to position the book according to expectations, and to telegraph what kind reading experience the book provides.

Beginner’s Greek has a classic romantic setup: Kinda awkward young financial type Peter meets girl-of-his-dreams Holly, loses her phone number, then spends a lot of pages trying to prove his fantasies really do match fate. As such, James Collins’ debut relies on a stunning number of familiar tropes — the meant-to-be lovers thwarted, the hapless romantic in love with his best friend’s girl, the treacherous boss. But he makes magic of it all by infusing those would-be clichés with so much old-school charm that you want to believe, and with so much patient detail that you actually can.

I encourage new entries in the online world of reading and writing and literary discourse. I am all for passion, for bringing light to alternative books, and for making room for novice book reviewers. But not at OnceWritten.

That is not book reviewing. It is not a good place for writers to “promote” their books. It is a sad scam on all fronts — especially, I think, for people who consider “book reviewing” something worth doing well.

Jessica Stockton Bagnulo wants to open a bookstore, and the NY Times is on the story.

I knew Jessica — aka Booknerd — as a colleague in the LitBlog Coop. When I finally met her in person, I thought, wow! She’s got all this energy and excitement! She’s awesome!

Which is what everybody thinks. Working as a bookseller after college, she took one business class, entered a contest, and was a finalist — then won with her bookstore business plan. This, when bookstores have been closing like crazy — the NY Times says 75 in the NYC-area since 2000. The neigborhood of Fort Greene in Brooklyn wants a bookstore. And they want Jessica.

When Jessica opens her bookstore in Fort Greene, I hope she’s open to nepotism, and carries all the LBC members’ books: Mark Sarvas’ novel “Harry, Revised”; Leila Lalami’s upcoming “Secret Son” and her short story collection “Hope and Other Dangerous Pursuits”; Lizzie Skurnick’s upcoming book based on her column Fine Lines at Jezebel; the collections featuring stories by Matt Cheney; and whatever else comes along.

While Jessica has been working hard to become a bookseller, I pedaled to Silverlake to watch ANTM. The biking was hard, too.

Outtakes from my interview with Jhumpa Lahiri for the piece on “State by State” are up now at Jacket Copy.

The photo above is from a 1977 newspaper clipping from the Narragansett Times. Girl Scout troop 850 was helping to sell postcards for the historical jail building. I can’t decide what my favorite part is: the fact that it’s a fallout shelter, or that the jail guy looks really uncomfortable surrounded by a bunch of Girl Scouts.

In the picture:
Top row: Anne Wright, Glenda Vittimberga, Dee Dee Sormanti
Second row: Natasha Dornberg, Karen Kelly, Erica Lawson, Jhumpa Lahiri, Sarah Bergfalk
Third row: Debbie McNab, Carolyn Kellogg, Julie Conway
Bottom row: Cindi Conway

Why do I remember these names so clearly, when there are people from college I don’t even recognize? Must’ve been the beer.

kellogg's diner hemisphere

My cousin is creating incredible photos that turn parts of the city of New York into planets. Although it’s not the most planet-like, this one is my favorite, I think, because it’s of the corner in Brooklyn with Kellogg’s Diner. I used to live up the street.

Of course, I loved Kellogg’s for being Kellogg’s. My cousin changed his name, so I don’t think he cares so much. I’d guess that he likes the eggs, but I don’t think it’s open anymore.

More people should be doing this.

Not getting detained.

But trying to point out the problems China has with a free and open society. (And Tibet, and whoever else is on their shit list).

May all those who are in custody be released soon.

Ben Ehrenreich’s story on a transgendered detainee — a Mexican native who was pulled over in LA for driving under the influence — who died in detention is in the new issue of Los Angeles Magazine. It’s a great, compelling article, and the fact that it could be researched at all seems almost impossible, given his description of the detention centers’ lack of regulation and oversight.

When I was on USC’s crew team, Terminal Island sat out in the harbor just out of reach. We’d joke about rowing around it, abandoning people to it. It had a jail then, but not a detention center. That detention center is where Victoria Arellano died.

If you can find the article (“A Death on Terminal Island”) on the LA Magazine website, you’re a better researcher than I am. One of the benefits of pet/housesitting is reading someone else’s periodicals.

musso frank

Author Jonathan Evison (All About Lulu) is in town, or should I say the whirlwind tour that is Jonathan Evison. There will be a video interview with him on Jacket Copy, once it’s done. But we’re not done filming yet.

We met at hot dog place Skooby’s in Hollywood — me and Jonathan and tour manager Brooks and documentarian Justin — because a hot dog place features prominently in Jonathan’s book. But soon we retired to Musso & Frank across the street, to have a drink in the bar. While Jonathan and I were talking, Justin set up his camera and began filming.

Suddenly the maitre d’ appeared, out of nowhere, and told Justin to put the camera away. I’d never seen that before. Musso & Frank doesn’t care if you take pictures inside. I mean, they didn’t used to.

Except if someone real famous is trying to have a quiet dinner. In this case, Keanu Reeves.

Dude. Woah.

As I’ve said many times before, I love Musso & Frank for its martinis and longtime waiters in uniform and it one-time backroom Fitzgerald/Faulkner hangout and its 1940s ambiance. But I know when I drag people in there sometimes they see a lot of grayhairs and stiffs and a place that isn’t ostentatiously fancy Hollywood and they don’t quite believe me that it’s really an amazing hot spot.

But a little Keanu goes a long way.

The Viper Room, April 24, 1999:

L. says there’s a lot of competition tonight. Smashing Pumpkins down the street (Roxy or Whiskey), Del Fi anniversary at Spaceland, Giant Robot rave downtown… but it still doesn’t come close to explaining the vast desolation here. You can see the floor (black-flecked linoleum), polished edge of the bar (oak), follow the squares of light case by the endlessly, way-too-enthusiastically spinning disco ball. Must be a terrifying flop for two women whose adult lives have been based on fandom — to have none. Or so little as represented here tonight. They must want to skip out as badly as I did on the way over here, in traffic, or as I do now, feeling like a conspicuous gargantuan hovering at the end of the bar.

It’s so small here. It’s a tiny space, a fraction the size of Spaceland (maybe the size of its upstairs bar), half the size of Brownie’s in New York. Well, that’s not counting the VIP areas backstage, which I assume are multi-chambered and lush. With such a small space and such a notorious name, you’d think on a Saturday they’d have a built-in crowd that would at least lend the space a feeling of aliveness. Instead, it seems like a bar after hours.

I ran into L. & L. in the parking lot. They said they were running out for a cappucino, but maybe they’re not even planning to return. Yikes, I just feel sorry for everyone.

I like how little this notebook is. I’ve written almost nothing but I’ve filled up 3 pages. I’m working so hard.

Hmmm, DJ’s pulled an interesting Jefferson Airplane track — sounds really garage-y. And a little slow. We must be getting treated to some late ’60s gems but I’m a little too clueless to know exactly what they are. That would be me and the other 6 or 8 folks lurking around the edges of the room.

I can’t help but think about S.’s first wife, who worked here. There are 3 waitresses hanging out at the end of the bar — what else is there to do? — and they’re all polished and beautiful, like out of a magazine. But there’s still a creepy and eerie vibe — no, there’s no creepy vibe. But it’s hard not to think that people come to this place, then they die. ‘Cause they do.

“How’s the audition?” the bartender asks his buddy, as if on cue.

Percent of balding men : men with no discernible hair loss — 90:10. Or I guess that’s 9:1. But wait, let’s get an accurate count. 11:2 plus 2 with suspiciously jaunty hats. Apparently the lead singer of The Knack will be here — I wonder if he’s the Bob Geldof-y guy in the top hat, the dude with the graying Frampton-y locks, or if he’s cloistered backstage. Where apparently Rosanna Arquette is hanging out.

Oh, the tourists are a-rollin in. There are two overbuff dudes with buzz cuts and their t-shirts tucked into their jeans. They’re cruising for chicks. Is there really some part of the country where this look signals anything to women? (other than Go Away – Boys Club – Closed?)

[the show begins. L. & L. have returned.]

Rodney Bingenheimer introduced Pamela DesBarres: “When I first met her, my hand was down her blouse.”
- was dubbed Queen of the Groupies by Bryant Gumbel on her first book promo TV appearance
- followed Jesse Jackson on Larry King.

She reads from I’m With the Band, and breaks away to tell anecdotes — like, for example, that she did an abstract painting in high school which was actually what she imagined to be Mick Jagger’s balls — I’d wager they’re also in the book.

L. & L. have bailed, leaving me with a brown-paper wrapped package of incense by mistake.

[back to Pamela DesBarrres] “My time is up!” she whines. No response. She tries again. A few weak pleas of “no” moan out from the corner.

She reads her story of meeting Frank Zappa. Then GTOs, then Zappa hooked her up with the Plaster Casters. They taped the phone conversation, 30-plus years ago [and now play it back]. “I sound so young!” she exclaims, interrupting herself interrupting Cynthia Plaster Caster. Me, I’m just struck by how Chicahhgohan her voice sounds.

[Cynthia Plaster Caster takes the mic.]

“I love to talk about dicks as much as I like to fuck ‘em, cuz it takes the edge off my shyness…. In 1964 I was 17, Catholic, and still a virgin.” [she asked herself] “How was I going to stand out from all the other groupies? I needed some kind of schtick.” [on April 23, 1966, had a weekend assignment for art class: make a plaster cast of something solid]. “Had to break into school to steal the plaster. We became the Plaster Casters! We were the talk of the Dick Clark Caravan!” [made a logo, kit, calling cards]
- lab coat
- ruler
- wax
- molding clay
- aluminum foil
- “lifelike models of hampton wicks” (on card) (hampton wick=Cockney slang for “dick”)

Noted: needed to lube the pubes. “In 1968, Frank Zappa called me an artist. I have no desire to retire. I cast cock whenever I feel like it.”

[more discussion of plaster dick casting, some of which I catch -- she wishes she'd done Serge Gainsbourg, took two years to get Jimi Hendrix. Some I miss.]

Pamela: She should do dildos!
Cynthia Plaster Caster: How about miniatures?

paradise sign

LA is really fucking cool.

I get to write for Jacket Copy at the LA Times.
I got to write book reviews for the LA Times, too.
My apartment, built in 1923, is cool in summer.
But if it heats up, there’s always the pool.
And if I get thirsty, there’s a classic bar on the ground floor.
And my friends will come to my neighborhood and have steaks.
And have a drink at The Prince. Even those with sitters and toddlers ready to bring on the dawn.
David Lynch does the weather on the radio here. Yes, that David Lynch.
Every excellent author shows up to read here, except for Thomas Pynchon.
But I’ve met people who know him from his years living here in the 1960s. 2 degrees of separation from Thomas Pynchon. How cool is that?
Every excellent movie plays here. In amazing theaters.
We have the Hollywood Bowl and bowls of pho and ramen and udon and tofu hotpot.
The delicious food is without end. Likewise for arts and culture.
Skylight Books and Vroman’s and Metropolis Books: all good bookstores I can get to on the metro.
Same for the Central Library downtown.
Did I mention the weather? Need I?

Don’t be jealous. Come visit.

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